The moment someone underperforms is the moment they need you most.

But most leaders don’t know what to say—so they say too much.

One of the hardest moments in leadership?

Coaching someone you know is underperforming—and still believing in them enough to do it with care, not control.

Most leaders want to help. We prepare feedback. We rehearse how to say it clearly. We focus on what’s missing.

But here’s the thing: saying more rarely creates change. Asking more does.

I learned this with a team member who was falling short.

Deadlines missed.

Engagement low.

Tension rising.

Others were noticing.

I came to the conversation ready to be honest and constructive—but I also reminded myself:

“I don’t want compliance. I want commitment. And that comes from ownership.”

So instead of jumping in with what I’d observed, I started with questions:

• “How do you feel things are going lately?”

• “What’s felt most challenging?”

• “If you could shift one thing, what would it be?”

To my surprise, they named many of the issues I had prepared to raise.

They knew.

They felt it too.

They weren’t unaware—they were overwhelmed.

What they needed wasn’t correction.

It was space to reflect, recalibrate, and re-engage.

That moment changed everything.

Coaching underperformance isn’t about catching mistakes.

It’s about guiding people back to their potential—with empathy and accountability.

This approach is rooted in Emotional Intelligence and Humble Inquiry (Edgar Schein).

And it echoes a principle from The Coaching Habit:

“Stay curious a little longer. Say a little bit less.”

(Heads-up: I’ll be doing a 7-part Coaching Habit series starting in May—stay tuned!)

Yes, we still clarify expectations.

Yes, we still hold people accountable.

But we do it in a way that fosters growth, not shame.

When we lead with questions instead of conclusions, we invite:

• Self-awareness instead of defensiveness

• Ownership instead of avoidance

• Openness instead of fear

And that’s where real change begins.

Why it matters:

Underperformance doesn’t mean someone’s broken.

It means the conditions for success need rebuilding.

And, while telling someone they’re falling short might get compliance.

Helping someone see it for themselves—and believe they can improve—builds capability.

And questions are the scaffolding we start with.

That’s leadership.

Your Turn:

How do you approach performance conversations with both honesty and care?

What’s one question that’s helped someone take ownership of their growth?

Let’s share what works—because leading people means believing in their ability to rise.

Let’s build a better playbook—together.